innerstar (innerstar) wrote,
innerstar
innerstar

uurg

well, 
Its been a while since I've written in here, but i need to vent.  My life has completely come to a point where I feel stuck.; a rut more or less.  Everything in my life lately has left me dissapointed and not satisfied.  Coming home for thanksgiving has just furthered these feelings.  I dont know what is going on, but I feel so distant from my old life (old self).  At school I have been feeling this way for quite a while and I wasnt sure what was going on, but home just assured me it was not home sickness I have been feeling. In fact, I have no clue what it is im feeling.  This summer fucked me in the aspect that I became  accustomed to hanging out and being in the company of adults.  Adults who were sure of thier lives and  knew what they wanted to "be."  I became used of the maturity and the routine.  Now, I find myself not wanting to get involved with the silly frat parties and ragers that I loved soooo much last year.  I find myself not wanting to go out and have a good time with my old friends.  I just find myself feeling very much alone.  It's as though I have lost a big part of my youth and nothing has replaced it and im just walking around with an emptiness that I cant figure out how to fill.  I miss the summer, I miss being confident.  I just dont understand what is it I need to do.  I'm stuck and its killing me.  I miss having boys in my life.  Another aspect this summer fucked me on.  I saw what older men can treat girls like, and it made me absolutely disgusted with college boys.  Also, i managed to get stuck living with the scum of all scumbag dudes.  And everything just feels lost and uncertain.  I want to be my happy self.  I know im growing up, I know im changing.  I can feel myself losing friends, and in a way Im ok with it because theres no going back now.  Hopefully this summer I will be living in Boston surrounding myself with new faces... hopefully.  I dont think I can successfully live here, or I may go nuts.  Well tata for now, hopefully the next entry will be more pleasant.

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